Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.

   Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

   I'm at Walmart. I'm not buying anything, I just needed a reminder that there are bigger disasters than me.

   Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.

   I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   Mandatory face mask when I was a teen... I might have got laid.

   I'm pretending. That way, when it comes time to tend, I'll be ready.

   #He said the reporter didn't have the brains they were born with? Ha ha ha. If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.

   Obeying the stay at home order, I've been doing a lot of house cleaning. In the basement I found my kid's old Speak and Spell, which I immediately mailed to the white house.

   Peppa Pig's Daddy: " No, kids, I never porked Mommy. That'd be redundant."

   good morning, I see the screw sticks are bashing our beloved prez again

   She had a eye on one tiddy, and a pair of lips on the other tiddy. An' I'm hopin' I ain't got to kiss nothin'.

   #you sound like you got a stimulus check. Not only is Trump your prez, he is your sugar daddy

   Some of y'all need to be worried about that 420 credit score

   Negative people have a problem for every solution.

   If you are driving alone in your car with a face mask on... Stay home... Even after this is over...

   Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol

   It's so hard not to get reckless with this $1200 check. I think I'm gonna go buy me a tiger

   You can't say $1200 ain't sh*t if you qualify for the $1200...

   Lots of mothers are gonna be surprised when their Mother's Day gift is a barrel of oil