Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who remembers when "Never before my coffee" used to be called social distancing?

   Thanks Facebook for showing me dating websites, but I don't think dating strangers looking to hook up would be a stella way to socially distance myself right now, but maybe after the Coronavirus!

   HELP, I'm out of booze, and sobering up.

   Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’ Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’ Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

   *gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible I have toilet paper

   Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

   ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

   After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

   Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?

   Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

   My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...

   Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

   Eskimos have over thirty words for ‘snow.’ That’s nothing, my wife has over 100 words for ‘F - off I’ve got a headache.’

   I’ll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday.!

   I'm at a The Clash concert and I'm not too sure if I'm enjoying it.. Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

   After 32 days of quarantining, I'm officially a f@t cu^ t.

   Just walked into the shower with my underwear on... how’s everybody else’s quarantine going?

   # He's done the lease amount of leading, and the most complaining then all the previous 44 leaders before him put together.

   sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth