Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Home invasion 2019 : this is awful and terrifying… OMG I can’t believe this is happening! Home invasion 2020 : ohhhh heeyyyy … so did y’all wash your hands?

   Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

   I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

   when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

   At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found

   THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! – My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

   hey punk below, you love winning then get the helll out of here

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away. MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

   If you're wondering why the COVID-19 rate is do low in Germany and high in the USA, it's because Germany's president used to be a quantum chemist and the USA's president used to be a reality television host.

   Hoping the easter bunny leaves me some eggs the egg hoarders didn't get this year.

   Out of eggs and hoping the easter bunny will leave some on my porch.

   Deleting my Facebook soon = Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important.

   $50 bucks for a 3lb Honey Baked Ham. It sure better come with Honey, and her sister.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met some of Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names...

   There are two key elements to success. 1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

   Some people are as useful as a white crayon.

   I'm not saying she's a slut but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.

   Someone please inform the meatball below that those numbers aren't factoring in population differences and percentages.

   I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer