Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mythbuster: Homophones were not invented by Alexander Graham Bell's flowery nephew.

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   If at first you don't succeed, mabey sky diving wasn't meant for you.

   I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

   a paper cut is a trees last revenge =)

   Just watched "fourth kind", I think I need to go to church!

   I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

   would like to remind everyone to Wang Chung tonight.

   Lady luck is a wench. She only shows up when your winning.

   a female friend of mine is taking self defense class - they told her not to yell "Help" when being attacked - you are supposed to yell "Fire". I said, "what if the attacker is holding a gun?"

   "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." George W. Bush

   I Want some Coke so I can have fun 2night at home

   You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.

   If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming...

   doesn't want you to call me lazy until you've walked a couple of steps in my flip-flops.

   pretty damn sure that Starbucks clearly has no idea we're in a recession.

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better

   just read that Alice in Wonderland is rated PG due in part to 'a smoking caterpillar.' I, for one, am so sick of movies glamorizing caterpillars.

   Dear men who are smart and hot and madly in love with me: Please start existing.