Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why women want men to open their car door for them, but yet they want to vote... PICK ONE!!!

   pissed...I started off with a manic Monday, but decided to have a funday instead...but then someone stole the 'n' outta my funday and it's just been a f.u.day!

   Don't look at me like I'm crazy when I ask if your store caries Ancient Indian Burial Ground Test Kits...

   Monday Morning just logged me out due to inactivity...

   It rubs the iPad on its skin or else it gets the Kindle again.

   An Unemployment Registry would make a lot more sense than a Wedding Registry.

   my 7 year old is all "F*ck homework!" and I'm all "I didn't adopt an Asian baby for you to suck at school!"

   McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   Do you think there's any limit to how many blades they'll put on razors? Like in 2025 there will be the Schick Annihilator 100.

   Conan O'Brien was on 60 Minutes this weekend . Jay Leno appeared 30 minutes in to take over due to 60 minutes "losing viewers and profits."

   Monday morning is the time we go through photos from the weekend and figure out what the hell happened. I swear that goat said he had ID.

   It's so hot in here Nelly and his crew just showed up.

   It would be some much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.

   If you aim right you won't disrupt her sight. Eyes are not cup holders for that stuff

   May the 4th be with you.

   It must be spring, I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater. Who needs a groundhog?

   If you're on a bike in LA it means you care about the environment - - riding one in the midwest means you got a DUI

   just read that NASA is doing a $10 million dollar study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from PMS to have her mentstrual cycle in zero gravity.... Hell yeah there are dangers. In a weightless enviorment, the physco b!tches can FLY

   just small town girl, living in a lonely world. Took the midnight train goin' anywhere.

   There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice!!