Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I talk to Americans I get the feeling that they just think of us Canadians as "those-hockey-loving-white-Mexicans".

   I've created a Facebook group called "Threesome" and invited two girls. Now just waiting and see what happens..

   they do not celebrate the 4th of July in Mexico so why am I celebrating the 5th of May here? I don't need an excuse to drink tequila; that is a nightly occurrence...

   - I saw an article in a magazine titled, "10 ways to make your wife come".........I didn't bother reading it though...... I'm too f***ing busy searching for 1 way to make her go......

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   The in-correct use of punctuation, really pisses me off?

   I see Boomerangs are making a comeback

   Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

   What's worse than a joke without a punchline?

   Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs

   I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.

   Sometimes it seems I spend half my life just breathing in.

   "Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes."

   I wasn't always into peer pressure......My friends got me into it.

   gathering Dwayne Johnson to throw at you...

   My mom hates when I put tin-foil in the microwave and make my own fireworks!

   Church = Free Wine

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words

   The next person who suggests that, when I die, I should leave my organs to medical science is really gonna get a piece of my mind.

   writing your phone number on the toilet wall