Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies..

   Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

   Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting

   The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

   I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.

   Katherine Johnson was a badass mathematician until the very end. She waited until turning 101 so she can die on her “Prime”

   A slice of apple pie is $1.40 in Jamaica, and $2.60 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

   ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about "cover your pin" mf you the thief

   Microsoft Word! I try and move an image 1mm to the left, but all text and images shift, fonts change, four more pages appear...in the distance, sirens.

   It's raining it's pouring and.......I never claimed to be a poet.

   I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in my head.

   "Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP

   When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

   One time I ran into an old friend and she said "omg you haven't met my baby" and I said "omg I had went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a damn cat.

   Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

   cant fool us you swamp rat below, go vote for Bernie and let the rest of intelligent people post

   Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN me: hi Danny Devito: well hello there

   Great... I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn't work Now I have a spider that won't stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon

   I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

   Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.