Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your dog understands several human words and you don't understand any dog barks, then your dog may be smarter than you...

   Only virgins, with no chance of ever getting a girl, believes in conspiracy theories.

   Her: I love the picture of you in your bedroom. Me: It's IKEA. Her: You did a great job picking it all out! Me: No, I took that picture in IKEA.

   Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

   Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn't have legalized marijuana.

   "Get a parrot," they said. "It'll be fun," they said. "Get a parrot," the parrot said. "It'll be fun," the parrot said.

   During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

   I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.

   If coronavirus isn't about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

   No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

   bartender just now: the usual? me: you know it bartender: [throws me thru window]

   Q: How many Grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Too.

   Remember when Trump fired the entire pandemic response team in 2018 because he hated Obama? Coronavirus remembers.

   The Coronavirus is like pasta. The Chinese invented it, but the Italians are spreading it all over the world.

   Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick.

   Florida became a state on this day in 1845. The amazing thing is that most of Florida’s population was alive to witness it.

   Taco Bell is testing a new dessert item called Cap'n Crunch Delights. They are warm doughnut holes filled with sugary cream and rolled in Cap'n Crunch. They really know how to capture the flavors of old Mexico.

   Actually, Trump didn't fire the entire pandemic response team in 2018 because he hated Obama. But I do remember when their planned budget cut happened so they could focus on real issues. Coronavirus lies.

   I gained three pounds last weekend and I'm fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

   The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks. I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.