Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If God didn't think humility was important, he would have put the prostate somewhere else.

   On this day in 1967 Mister Rogers' Neighborhood premiered. To this day I'm convinced that Fred and Mrs. McFeely had something going on.

   what is the square root of pie?...MORE PIE!

   a wife is like the suits of a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to beat them when they drive you nuts, and a spade to bury them when their dead

   Ever notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?

   Every notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?

   every second becomes a minute, every minute becomes a hour but when your living it up every crazy sh#t you did in your life becomes the best memories.

   if Charles is in Charge of our days and our nights, who's this God guy people are talking about?

   With great power comes a great electric bill

   finds the ginkgo biloba pill kinda funny...its for helping ur memory but you got to remember to take the pill in order for it to work

   I just descovered 3 words to make any teenager run in terror. "Time To Clean".....

   Doesn't it feel like the Facebook friends who NEVER respone to your posts are secretly judging you?

   has been having 3-somes with hot twins. My friends ask how I tell them apart. Its easy... Lisa is the one with long blond hair and Luke is the one with the six pack and hairy legs

   .Of course Margaritaville sounds nice but living there would suck.. There's probably a DUI stop every 8 feet. And Living on Sponge cake? Really? Gross!!!

   better pay his COX cable bill before they cut our COX off...

   once cops get smart enough to put a breathalyzer test at the end of a Taco Bell drive-thru WE'RE ALL SCREWED!

   my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

   "It's time to take back our country!" Fine. Just return it to your nearest Indian casino.

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!!