Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear Bart was arrested for dropping a piano on his dad. A case of attempted Homer-cide.

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   Was texting the wife this morning from work and Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.

   I'm so old I remember when people the only people who took something off your porch were called milkmen.

   I couldn't afford a vacation in Mexico, so I watched the Spanish channel all day yesterday and ate some undercooked chicken.

   Had a bad mix-up at Walmart today.... When the cashier said strip down facing me, apparently she was referring to my credit card!

   Pringles: The only chip company that doesn’t sell air.

   A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

   May you all have a prosperous New Year.......... I may need to borrow money.

   Good News!!! I finally received my W2's from Facebook.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Its amazing how far we've come since the days of the cavemen who used to communicate with each other by writing on walls.

   Does it make you wonder why the mooslims in congress are so upset we took out a killer

   * A cheap father told his little son that is nightlight only made it easier for the monsters to find him.

   Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage? Why not both.

   I'm making some big changes this year, so if you could see this Facebook post you're not one of them.

   I'm so old I......just forgot what I was going to post?

   I am now at the point in my life where I’m excited about finding change on the ground.

   Some sad news to report on the second day of the new year....Our Hamster, Louie passed this morning, he fell asleep at the wheel

   The most disappointing sentence in the human language is "This next song is off of our new album".