Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Either she's wearing last night's clothes or she had alcohol and shame for breakfast.

   Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

   I woke up at 3am naked and holding a watermelon.

   I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

   i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

   I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

   I bought a treadmill today.It's giving me a run for my money

   I've been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.

   BREAKING NEWS! Private IMs of Top BP Engineer released! BP-1: Nothing is working. Any more ideas? BP-2: What if we build a large wooden badger?

   Wants to thank BP. Now I can wash and oil my lettuce at the same time

   Know how to tell when a woman says something smart? When she starts her sentence with "Once a man told me"

   Dear god, please can we swap Justin Beiber for someone with some actual talent?.. say Michael Jackson would be good...

   If you don't like the way I drive, you can either sit in the seat next to me and encourage me forward while holding on, you can sit in the back seat and STFU, or you can get the fook out.

   Did you hear about the Chinese parents who gave birth to a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

   You know you're getting old if you look at an iPad and think "doesn't that look like an Etch-a-Sketch?"

   prays to God "Give us Michael Jackson back, take Justin Beiber instead"

   Why does Facebook ask what's on my mind...I am a male of the species so it should be bloody obvious!

   The "Oprah Winfrey show" ends in 2011. No wonder the Americans think the world will end in 2012.

   Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts

   Next person who says "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.