Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On Thanksgiving day, let us all be thanksful that we were not born as turkeys.

   I can tell if someone is judgmental just by looking at them

   If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   One thing my buddies and I all know is to never open your phone when your wife is around!

   The neighbors are already putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving who have obviously been shopping in Walmart.

   After much thought and consideration I've decided not to host the Oscars this year.

   As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

   Anyone have a lot of unused pregnancy tests? Hate to see all this pee go to waste.

   Wife: what are you doing Me: teaching the dog poker Wife: where are your pants Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

   The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

   Hand dryers in restrooms are just drying your washed hands with doodoo air...

   Apparently when my wife asked which of her friends I wanted to invite for a birthday threesome I was supposed to give one name ... not two.

   Don’t ask me! I’m 60 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

   If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

   The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.

   The secret ingredient to my green bean casserole is taking my shirt off when I bake it

   The lottery, except it’s my Thanksgiving table wondering who will get the stuffing with my wife’s hair in it.

   I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache. He says, "You mean aspirin?" I go, “Yeah, that’s it, I can never remember that word."

   Love Facebook's feature that not only helps you to get more things done, it give you more time to hangout with friend's and be more social, which you can find it under settings then scrolling down to where it says Log out. Try it, it works!