Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry

   interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

   You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.

   50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

   YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

   I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   The last time I bought a Christmas tree the sales person said “are you going to put that up yourself?” I thought, that is strange. No, I’m just gonna put it up in the living room

   Shut off my Facebook birthday reminders. So let me wish everyone who's planning on having a birthday year a happy one! because you're special like that.

   The line to get beer at this party is horrible, but it's even worse at the punchline!

   Reasons to not eat cookies: - there are no cookies - you're trapped under something heavy and can't reach the cookies. End of list

   You know you are a VW bus owner if part of your household budget includes a "Bus needs" section.

   You know you're a VW bus owner when you pass a junkyard and always think to yourself "I wonder if they have any parts I could use?"

   You know your a Volkswagen bus owner when you know how that your "Honk if Any Parts Fall Off" sticker also prevents tailgators.

   Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.

   Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.

   Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 different manufacturers, each of whom was the lowest bidder? Anyways, have safe flight when you head home for Thanksgiving!

   every summer people try to work on their "summer body" ...i've been working on my winter body for years

   Should say in that religious book.. The Reason God created marriage.. So death wasn't so disappointing.

   I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.