Funny Status Messages

   I know his chest pain was not cause by his heart, because he doesn't have one

   I'm afraid I will get called as a witness at the impeachment hearings....I don't know anything, either.

   Louisiana has turned blue. Congrats!

   "No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science....

   Funny how when I was a kid we use to call Facebook group therapy.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

   When they heard about his visit to the hospital, hell immediately started to construct a wall.

   Dear Jack Daniels: I'm holding one of those workouts like Kap where I drink a lot to become a spokesman. TIA.

   I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.

   If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

   A horror story: You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings. That’s it that’s the whole story.

   When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

   The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

   The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

   Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

   dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time

   STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! We will we will drink you STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! *pours vodka after bad day*

   (First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

   I don't care what you call me as long as it's not on my phone.