Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many days should you wait, before you tell your buddy that you didn't get the message, that he needed help moving?

   99 donuts cause the B!tch ate one

   The Skirt, skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your ass!!

   My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   I will always cherish the nice things I assume you are saying about me.

   I think that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.

   The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.

   Has just left his next instalment on his payback trail at the local BP. Thats right BP, you thought you made a mess. Wait till you get a LOAD of me..thats right, UPPER DECKER

   I think that God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die.

   bp should practice what they preach, Seen at every BP gas station is a sign that reads "Do not leave pumps unattended, you are responsible for spills"...

   I think that the trouble I have with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.

   So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.

   Respect must be earned by a sitting President these days.....

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   I think that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.

   Grilled by the media contantly in recent weeks, authorities have stated that they had been following failed "Times Square Bomber" Faisal Shahzad for months, but only on Twitter.

   Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep, it was an open casket funeral.

   Former President Bush suggested invading the "Gulf of Mexico" to control the BP oil spill. He also proposed forming a mercenary force made up of BP executives and oil rig operators called "The Coalition of the Spillin'

   BREAKING NEWS: U.S. Kills Al-Qaeda's Number 3 for Nine Thousandth Time