Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just sliced my tongue open by eating ham with a knife because I was too lazy to grab a fork.

   Gnomes Favorite Song: I'm Sexy and I Gnome It.

   Immigrants can either take Trump's "purity" test, or have the fastest time in the American Ninja obstacle course.

   She said she liked the new guy at work, so I had him fired...!

   Here we go. Everyone on FB is making 911 all about themselves. "Hey, don't forget me!" SMH.

   Just attended a concert headlined by the band Disturbed. Evidently everyone in the mosh pit has been infected with COVID 19 - they're all Down With The Sickness!!!

   My husband keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if he keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let him in.....!!

   You can only listen to so much Barry Gibb.

   I wonder if Santa will be wearing a mask during his visit to my house this year?

   Every time I try dating I get a new sister.

   The Gluttony scene from Se7en really isn’t torture if you love spaghetti and want to die.

   If you cannot afford GYM membership, you can at least afford a Deodorant!

   I planted a loaf of Ezekiel bread. It grew into a tree filled with cuckoo birds quoting verses from the Old Testament.

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking

   Don't forget to set your country back 50 years today!!

   [] <- This is my box. I don't want to think outside it, I like my box! No, you can't touch my box! No touchy my box!

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample ovee others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   I was driving to fast and to furious this morning and had to swerve to miss a tree, only to realize that is was an air-freshner hanging from the rear view mirror

   I ran over a big fat guy in a red outfit last night.

   I've just clicked on my phone's front camera by mistake, Yoh never been this terrified in my life!!!