Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much would it suck if your name was really "Ed Hardy"?

   Joran van der Sloot arrested for murder? Wow! If only there were warning signs.

   Justin Bieber is approximately the same diameter as the oil pipe in the Gulf......is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

   Next for BP: they're going to add balsamic vinegar to the oil; turning the Gulf into a nice vinaigrette.

   Sign of the times when you don't take a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with you anymore. Instead you take your iPad with you. Be sure to wipe the screen when your done!!!

   its very sad Adriana Xenides has died and I'm not even going to make a joke about it. That would be in_p_o_ri_te

   25% off this thursday

   Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired

   I fought the law and....the lawyers won.

   Beauty is in the Eye Of The Beer Holder.

   Biggest trade to date: Lakers to trade Jack Nicholson

   Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk past you again?

   I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...

   The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart

   I think “be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

   Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.

   thinks the BP executive management team that's responsible for the day to day running of the company should be the ones cleaning the oil spill!

   if the broom fits...RIDE IT!

   get a life is your only copyright