Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

   Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true

   Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!

   I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.

   Now it makes sense why the White House refuses to co-operate with the trial.

   me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p

   Her: What did you do for fun in college? Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high

   friend: wyd? me: working friend: and wyd after? me: sleeping for work tomorrow

   Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie. His new catchphrase? “I’ll be back....with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

   Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

   Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

   Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

   [frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must... fit in.. with... other ghosts

   turning my gender off to conserve energy

   The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."

   [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on

   HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY'RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

   How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?