Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   I’m famous someone took a picture of me it went virus

   I don't understand people who update their status every 10 minutes to show their friends how exciting their life's are, which are probably not as exciting as they claim if they're staring at Facebook all the time.

   Do you ever feel like you are in Season 5 of your life and the writers keep coming up the weird stuff just to keep it interesting?

   If I learned anything from our great president, it's that I should abandon all my allies and embrace all my enemies.

   He's doing a fabulous job of destroying the economy that president Obama left him. Tremendous job!

   Kids and their Halloween costumes. We were so poor when I was a kid, my Mom drew on our faces with an El Marko, and we trick or treated for canned food. NO MA'AM, I'll TAKE THE CANNED CORN.

   I'm taking stuff to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for 6 months.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   computer: enter password me: mypulloutgame computer: password weak all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

   Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

   [first day as a soldier] ME: whoa I almost stepped on a land grenade SARGE: mine ME: whoa I almost stepped on your land grenade

   wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]

   My daughter's school is selling apples for their band. If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

   Me socialising: terrible. Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.

   Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants? Me: Trying to summon my period.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   This Halloween I'm going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn't answer the door after 8pm.

   Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life? Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better