Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ask for the B.P special at Red Lobster. Shrimp Scampi and a free oil change.

   Why is it one you always wish for is out there somewhere...just waiting for the right time for you both to meet..and it will happen when you least expect it... :)

   there is no status update....only zuul

   Just read that BP was working on a sponsorship deal with the English goal keeper! Apparently there was a leak on both sides and the deal never happened!

   i raised myself, Happy Father's Day to me

   Don't EVER fight for someone who wouldn't damn fight for you.

   still waiting for the latest Toy Story movie to come out... Its called Adult Toy Story. It gives a totally new meaning to "Buzz" and "Woody".

   mad because the government took away my Weapon of Mass Destruction.

   that the word "studying" comes from the words "students dying".

   hit a parked car while texting. Even sadder, I was WALKING.

   I just noticed that all the girls I've ever been with all had one major thing in common.. 10's become 2's on day 2."

   People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world"

   Ha.....and the neighbors think THEY can be loud???? They haven't been formally introduced to me and Jack Daniels yet.

   I dont trust pregnant people. I have a feeling they're hiding something....

   asked "what do you like to see most in a woman" I answered "the top of her head"

   Now I know exactly why Australians have their own version of " Australian rules football" !!!

   This is a full blown Four Alarm fishing season emergency here. All thats left is to press on and have the hap... hap... happiest fishing trip since Bing Crosby Tap danced with Danny Frikin Kay.

   The last German who did THAT well on African soil was Rommel.

   Why has "Just between you and I," never really just between you and I?

   When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.