Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I received a Jury Summons today, guess its better then receiving an Arrest Warrant???

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   Every Ice Age starts the same way. With a lonely squirrel just tryin' to get a nut.

   Who we are never changes. Who you think you are does.

   You can't talk to me that way. Seriously, turn towards me so I can hear what you're saying.

   I'd still be extremely impressed with a one trick pony if the trick were juggling.

   Reminder, fellas: bra cups come in sizes AA, A, B, C, D, DD, OMG, WTF.

   I saw a sign that said END ROAD WORK. I find it annoying too, but I don't think I would protest against it.

   What kind of troopers does the Empire use when it's nice out?

   If food at McDonald's looked anything like on the commercials, McDonald's customers would look even less like the people on the commercials.

   VUVUZELA the most despised and annoying musical PLASTIC device since Michael Jackson !

   Still working on an electromagnetic pulsating device to disable cell phones in theaters. For now, please continue making do with neckpunches.

   Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

   the only one on facebook that don't have a kid, where can I purchase one before fathersday??

   Went to check the mail.. and got iced. Thanks mom

   watching the neighborhood kids play hide and seek. Now I know whose mom is on drugs. I'm guessing its the mother of the kid yelling "Olly Olly Oxycontin!"

   a social drinker. Someone says "I'll have a drink" and she says "Social I."

   thinks if Cap'n Crunchberries can do an "Oops! All Berries" version of their cereal, then why can't Lucky Charms do an "Oops! All Marshmellows" version?

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

   believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.