Funny Status Messages

   the plastic things at the end of the shoelaces are called aglets and their real purpose is sinister

   not illiterate...my parents were married!

   Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could.

   pissed! I open my m&m's and every one of them were Ws, I mean seriously?.. I should sue!

   don't worry about your boyfriend dumping you, there's plenty of fish in the sea.......whats that?...There's an oil spill?....

   Grammar is important. For instance, commas and Capital letters make a difference. such as in these examples: "Let's eat grandpa." vs "Lets eat, grandpa" or "I helped my Uncle Jack of a horse" vs "I helped my uncle jack of a horse".....

   Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

   A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

   Go to Google, type in "world cup 2010", look at the bottom of the page. Gooooooaaaaaaal!

   The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

   Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you're relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!

   A push up bar and a push up bra are two completely different items that have the same effect when used properly.

   now currently accepting resumes for a Full and/or Part time girlfriend. All applicants may apply within. You will be contacted with a call back if you meet the appropriate requirements. Please send you # at FB mail. Thank you

   will no longer be posing nude for money..

   thinks that the worst part about not being able to log into Facebook is not having a place to complain about not being able to get on Facebook.

   A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine...

   Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. / I got to say it was a good day.

   I find my nose is always itchiest right before I scratch it.

   Will work for salary and benefits with an annual cost of living increase but not on weekends, statutory holidays, or during 3-week vacation.