Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For some reason, I'm encouraged to find and marry an international escort too.

   I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.

   Rise up against E.D. The Erectial Disfuction epedemic should not be taken softly...

   I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I'm not going to go.

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese* wife [sitting in the hot tub] Noooooooo

   My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

   I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window. I told him, "You did a good job, but it's actually supposed to go in like this." I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window. There i

   Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

   My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

   Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

   My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight... ...and now he's refolding them.

   My new boss walked into my office and asked me if I had a sec... I replied, "sure, I have lots of secs!" Things have been very awkward since then.

   I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that literally types whatever I say punctuation point

   The best way to serve eggs for breakfast? Omelette you guys decide..

   Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   [my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor's note if you're gonna be late

   the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

   Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.