Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If this day were any better, I'd be pulling my pecker out from under an anvil...

   0110001001101111011011110110001001110011 hint: binary

   Never go to Traffic Court and say, "Shut up, Your Honor...I'm not done talking."

   What do BP executives and my wife have in common? Neither has done any real pipe work in 54 days.

   Just sprayed my wife with Axe body spray. Now I'm just waiting for a bunch of hot chicks to come rip her clothes off like on those commercials.

   When you are SINGLE all you see are happy couples.... When you are COMMITTED all you see are happy SINGLES!!! ;-)

   busy playing with his Shake Weight.

   It was all so different before everything changed.

   wondering why they don't simply cover the oil spill with a HUGE portion of kitty litter.

   The smoke alarm just went off....dinners ready!

   I use to hear snap crackle pop, and think of breakfast time. Now I hear it, I think I had better get out of this chair.

   Just figured out how to stop the oil spill! Put a wedding ring on it and it will never put out again.

   ..The big bad wolf tells little red riding hood to suck his d*ck. She says... "Look f*cker! stick with the story, You're supposed to eat ME!"

   RT @latinjns Jeremiah 28:11 He has a plan for your life, trust him to lead and guide you.....//Yes Lord!

   Dear Celtics and Laker Fans God will be ignoring all your request for a victory tonight so don't waste your prayers....

   wishes the hair on his face would grow in as dark and as thick as the hair on his butt!!

   the plastic things at the end of the shoelaces are called aglets and their real purpose is sinister

   not illiterate...my parents were married!

   Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could.

   pissed! I open my m&m's and every one of them were Ws, I mean seriously?.. I should sue!