Funny Status Messages
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My wife said she'd give me a Golden shower if I take her to Golden Corral. 
I asked the lady at the bookstore, "Where is the self-help section?" She said telling me would defeat the purpose.
If I wasn't to be Egyptian , I would've wished so . 100% proud
Called my mom to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.
going to laugh so hard at all the Hillary haters sucking on it on Nov. 9th. Open wide, and insert Anthony Weiner.
Dear Santa, yea I was naughty this year ..and it was worth it, you fat, judgmental b*stard!
you know, you all should have went out and voted for Hillary... We damn near had the blacks back to picking cotton... smh
Burn a body in a crematorium and you're "being respectful". . . Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".
Players of the Houston Texans football team took a knee during the national anthem Sunday. That...is...awesome!
Melania Trump to have first state dinner by herself. Hmmmmmm, interesting.....
I don't think trump had any collusion with the russians...... He's not that smart.
If Jesus really loved us, he would've turned the oceans into wine.
Someone just told me that Obama has a concrete plan to solve all economic problems. Would you like to go iceskating? Because I'm pretty sure Hell just froze over...
looks life a flower but stings like a bee.
"Where can I get one of those gold necklaces with the T?" "That's a Cross..." "Across from what?"
Ladies, always keep a V-8 in your car in case you're pulled over so you can pour it over your crotch & say "I need a tampon please let me go."
sees that Toyota Prius are sponsoring the Georgian Luge Team
My friends status said, "Suicidal, standing on the edge of a cliff"... So I poked him..
Taco Tuesday is great and all, but I can't wait for Sloppy Sex Saturday.
Just passed up an invite from the USA hockey team, to bring the gold in 2014. After checking my calendar, I have a hair cut appointment that conflicts.....Dammit! 