Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Deep Thought: Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

   Just heard on the news that is sure indication you might want to evacuate before the hurricane hits is if your local Waffle House closes.

   If you don't hold your breath when the microwave is counting down we can't be friends

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel good when someone says, "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult *ahem*... not so much.

   people worry about their "summer body" but I've been working on my "winter weight" for years

   The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention.

   He has the skin tone and the brain of a goldfish.

   Dude seriously drew his own own projected hurrican lines like a third grader changing a F into a B on his report card.

   Not now, I'm binge watching the weather channel.

   In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.

   How to make meals for toddlers: Step 1. Choose any food. Step 2. Throw it away.

   If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

   Black bears smell up to 18 miles when hunting food. I smell my neighbor's barbecuing ribs and invite myself over. It's survival.

   [scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock] scooby: RIVORCE???

   Am sorry I asked you 'Who is the father' when you told me your wife is pregnant.

   in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

   *first day as an accountant* me: so where are the ants?

   me: raises hell Hell: put me back down!

   My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.