Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

   Women are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to buy them, a club to kill them and a spade to bury them

   Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they will all think your on drugs!!

   got a nice little stomach bug last night. I must have gone to the bathroom at least 30 times today. Now I know how Jake Gyllenhaal must have felt crawling out of that tent the next morning.

   What part of hippomonstrasesquipphobia Dont you understand?

   dear mosquitoes, ur not welcomed here just because the ligt's on...this isn't Motel 6

   How many damn vampire movies and shows has there been since Dracula up until Twilight Saga?.....Somewhere between the number of 40 and overkill of film.

   Going to break the awkward silence.

   You never lose by loving . You always lose by holding back !!

   When the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuch Norris.

   so.. my lawyer says to her lawyer if she thinks she gettin that yacht then she's a little dingy

   how do you lose a war against a country that is not even formed yet? I do not know but just ask a Brit.

   US troops went to Africa and built them houses and schools and then brought them food. The Africans smiled and said thanks for being the greatest country in the world.

   Wonders why there's an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?!

   The UK team visited a South African orphanage."Its so good to brighten up for these sad people who are in a hopeless situation," said 6 y/o Mbutu Niaryi.

   When someone rings the doorbell...why do dogs always assume it's for them ???

   I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

   Man who fish in other man's well, will problably get crabs!

   Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.

   Whenever I eat Nerds and Dum Dums, I always follow up with a few packs of Smarties.That way everything evens out. :)