Funny Status Messages

   Every time I see that one mattress commercial that attempts to gross you out by saying your mattress doubles in weight after 8 years due to dust mites, sweat and dead skin. I always think to myself, why leave out the big contributing factor? Happy Endings

   Love is like a soccer ball, everybody runs to have that ball, and when they have it they kick it away..

   rattlesnakes and condoms. 2 things I dont fu*k with.

   Dont buy condoms at BP gas stations, they may burst and result in a leak...

   On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how mad are you?

   Usually when a President has a highway named after him he is already dead. I guess the people of Orlando have ESP?

   Ladies, when a man tells you that you're one in a million, don't get too flattered. That means there is about 6,500 more of you on Earth.

   all about sharing...I'll eat the hotdog if you eat the bun

   eating carrots and watching porn. Something *seriously* went wrong with my weekend

   there's no "I" in gang bang

   Funny....I don't remember eating corn...?

   - Thankfull its only blood. Thought I was a tomato!!!

   ask me what I like about you, 15 drinks from now .

   Pushed humpty Dumpty and also was the reason Jack fell down and broke his crown. While I was at it I stole the cookies from the cookie jar and let the dogs out. So there........

   You can't say your girlfriend is a multi-tasker but she likes gangbangs!

   Heavy, stationary objects keep running into my bare feet...How many times do I have to stub my toes before these things learn to get out of my way?

   Don't talk about yourself so much in front of some friends... they do it when you leave

   If they made hats the size of some peoples brains they would be wearing a peanut shell.

   When things sound reasonable ~ its time to up my medication.

   Brush your teeth or please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.