Funny Status Messages

   A friend of mine told me he doesn't drink beer. I wonder what he does with it?

   Your Honor, please direct the witness to answer the question. I'll ask it once again. Why are you hitting yourself?

   The gang war between the squirrels and the raccoons must be escalating, based on the number of drive-by victims on the side of the road.

   Man it's Hotttt!!! I am sweating worse than Al Sharpton on Jeopardy.

   Condoms are like newspapers....sure they are filled with good stuff today but you sure don't want them around tomorrow...

   A woman will always forgive & forget......But she'll never let you forget that she has forgiven & forgotten...

   it's so hot the jalapenos in my garden were all standing over in the shade.

   It's better to have a gun and not need it than to not have a gun and need it

   Can everyone who has an iPhone 4 stop talking about it until the rest of the world has them? Thanks.

   my head says no, my heart says yes an my stomach say cheesebruger no pickles, with jus a lil bit of mustard...

   bragging about having sex with you wife is like bragging that I just gave myself the best handjob

   Relationships are like cul-de-sacs once you get deep in you have to make a U-Turn

   Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

   Will the person who keeps the electronic eye attatched to the toilets real sensative, please quit. I want to use the bathroom, not a bidet.

   never play leapfrog with a unicorn

   Husband gets "I Love You" tattooed on his penis. He goes home to show his wife. His wife says "There you go again trying to put words in my mouth"

   Love is best when it overflows freely from the heart, rather than you having to reach in to get your fill.

   McDonalds faces potential lawsuit over happy meal. It contends that serving toys with unhealthy food is predatory. Where was this group when Micheal Jackson was alive?

   going to give my pillow some head :0) and my sheets some ass.!! G"night!!!

   Forget a 5 star chick... I rather have a 6 flag chick... More flags more fun!!!