Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect, what the point of trying

   Women cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls ... because they can

   So tired of these new gadgets and the companies trying to monopolize the programs, I am going back to my pencil and a piece of paper!!!

   If you're happy and you know it...share your meds.

   Whoever has the most Facebook friends when he dies WINS

   wondering why cameras have round lenses that take square pictures.

   in a constant state of Omphaloskepsis (look it up).

   Switched my GPS to the male voice. Got tired of it announcing turns after we'd passed them and telling me to stop and ask for directions.

   The difference between the local school and local prison?The Address and The tolerance of phone calls

   Pessimist sees darkness, optimist sees light, realist sees light & the coming train! Train driver sees 3 idiots sitting on the rails. :-)

   I heard the CEO of AT&T got married recently. The service was great but the reception was terrible.

   Sometimes people act like the US isn't the only country in the whole world.

   always beats Edward Scissorhands in rock-paper-scissors.

   I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

   going to a BBQ as a vegetarian, which is a bit like the Pope going to a brothel. He knows he's going to have a great time, but he's going to feel really guilty and weird about it

   often wonders...when someone is dies by lethal injection, do they clean the injection site with alcohol first?

   thinks one trip to Wal Mart may cause an intelligent person to start questioning the theory of evolution.

   Dear Alejandro! Please poke Lady Gaga's face with your disco stick so she can finally get what ALL her songs say and she can sing about something else... finally. Thanks :) Grace.

   Michael Jackson was not DANGEROUS, he may have been a little OFF THE WALL at times but not BAD. When it came to songs and performing he was a THRILLER and a DANCING MACHINE. From his one glove to the Moonwalk, MJ will never be forgotten!

   I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them we've have a problem.