Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think that someday we'll look back on all of this and blame someone else.

   I LOVE it when people are overly sarcastic. No, really, it's great! Thanks a bunch!

   If I have to endure another day where Facebook doesn't work and is constantly disappointing me, I might have to start dating it.

   I'm wondering why life keeps teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn...

   I went to the bar last night and I hit on the fattest most ugly chick, and I got rejected. I finally accomplished my goal in life.

   When caught with weed, never assume anything but the position...

   It takes a real Phil Collins fan to name one of their children Sussudio. That child is destined to stutter.

   It's so adorable when my Mom calls and asks me for my "email number."

   Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. I will be randomly grabbing my crotch in his memory for the rest of the day.

   I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity...

   I'm a homophobophobe. Seriously, those bigots scare the heck out of me.

   Dear DNA experts, please come up with a small insect that is genetically designed to annoy flies. Maybe even a small insect that bites mosquitoes. Thanks

   Babe, You Remind of Barbie's Malibu Beach House,.. Everything is for Looks and Nothing Works!"

   My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

   Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever and you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice of medical professionals everywhere.

   This status was sent from inside the Channel Tunnel. Try that on your precious iPhones.

   If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

   I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.

   A dog is man's best friend. In some states, they're friends with benefits.

   **shortest fairly tale**-->once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" The guy lived happily ever after..