Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [at the mall with my husband] Me singing softly: She's just a girl and she's on fire.. Hubby: *shoots dirty look* Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she's got her head in the clouds and- Hubby: Shhh! Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

   Me: What do you want to do tonight? Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and — Me: *already asleep*

   My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded,

   My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation. I think about this often.

   I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive Her: Have you tried dog pounds? Me: Yeah, but apparently it's 'not a real currency'

   I might be a 42 year old woman but I identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.

   Huh... I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

   : A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

   I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

   Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos?? 17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you. Me- go to your room.

   UBER: Oh, we're halfway there ME: Ok, good U: Oh oh, we're living on a prayer M: What? U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand M: Oh god

   reading rob zombie's name is a real wild ride. at first you're like "rob? ok, I know what we're dealing with here". then things get weird

   Enjoy poverty, Daniel Pantaleo. Hahahahaha, I don't feel bad for you one bit!

   Well that will be the last gender reveal party I'm ever invited to. Guess I shouldn't have stood up and said, "I'll go first!"

   skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

   People say, “All the good ones are taken.” Which is absolutely true. I’m single.

   [a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

   Are there any good songs out there about life being a highway and about riding it all night long?

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach. Please RT.