Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hoping U.S. Solicitor General Elena Kagan is confirmed to the Supreme Court, so comedian Mike Myers can return to SNL to impersonate her.

   I never knew pain till I threw up those pretzels

   not stalkig you but thinks you look really nice in that shirt

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a "no girls allowed" sign.

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.

   Walmart smells like ugly

   I don't trust people who don't have middle names...

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   This day needs more yesterday...

   go ahead follow in my footsteps but is warning you [s]he walks into walls

   I asked the Magic ❽ Ball if I was going to clean the house today and it said, Signs point to yes. Sh*t I hate when it says

   heading down to Fraggle Rock.....

   If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either!

   Whitney Houston may always love you but I will not! Not after you slept with my sister

   want$ $ucce$$ $o $he$ $uppo$edly I$ $elling $ea $hell$ $ea $hore like$ Ke$ha

   Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement? Is my statuses your drug? Huh your drug is my status your drug? Because your status is my drug huh your drug? huh your drug is my status your drug?