Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont try to change to please someone else. Love yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself, and be your own person, and someone will love you just they way you are!.....Unless of course your just a narcissistic jerk. Then by all.means, change!

   I can't believe we have a president that had sex with porn stars and wants a space army, and I still hate him.

   My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out .

   You still talk to your ex? I call BS on that!

   if I had 10 cookies, and you took half, what would you have? ... THAT'S RIGHT!! A black eye and a broken hand!!!

   Anyone who thinks Donald Trump represents God has a very low opinion of God.

   Apart from shopping and other men, what do women want ??

   If you date a guy long enough he'll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high: "Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

   Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

   What's it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

   I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

   Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

   If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

   parents nowadays: video games are too violent parents from history times: c'mon kids, let's go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

   Our teachers won't let us charge our phones. Even if we're on 1%. It's not safe. Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

   I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

   From my 12yr old: "My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application"

   Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.