Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 5810 of 5924

   messageicon Lefties eat yellow snow on Winter Solstice.
←Rate | 12-25-2017 14:17 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I was told I would understand when I got older. Well, I'm older and still don't understand...
←Rate | 12-25-2017 21:10 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook is so dead during the holidays, I almost considered sex with my husband.
←Rate | 12-26-2017 04:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies are not officially old, until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of their faces.
←Rate | 12-26-2017 08:54 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon That one sounded like a un-oiled door opening slowly.
←Rate | 12-26-2017 19:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
←Rate | 12-27-2017 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.
←Rate | 12-27-2017 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women are like roads. The more curves they have the more dangerous they are.
←Rate | 12-27-2017 18:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How did cavemen meet women? They went clubbing.
←Rate | 12-27-2017 18:29 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Teenagers hanging out sober act like adults drunk.
←Rate | 12-28-2017 02:33 by Jergim Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many tweets does it take to get to the center of attention?
←Rate | 12-28-2017 03:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are no Walmart stores in Syria, only Targets.
←Rate | 12-28-2017 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What goes up must come down. Except maybe for crawling underwear.
←Rate | 12-28-2017 12:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My cooking is so good even my smoke alarm comments on it.
←Rate | 12-28-2017 23:57 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon "You the bomb" "No, you the bomb" - A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 01:49 by trickz100 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't feel bad for the people killed in "Jaws". When I know where a murderer lives, I don't go where they live.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 03:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:39 Comments (3)  

   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm going back home to ponder why climate change isn't real because it's cold outside.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 16:54 by Mr.C Comments (2)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left