Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual
←Rate | 01-07-2018 14:37 by MWC Comments (1)  

   messageicon It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks
←Rate | 01-07-2018 23:08 by Depirts Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
←Rate | 01-08-2018 06:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My goal for 2018 is to accomplish goals of 2017,which I should have done in 2016,cause I promised them in 2015 and planned them in 2015
←Rate | 01-08-2018 06:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fire fighters confirmed that the fire did not start in Trumps library 📚
←Rate | 01-08-2018 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Costco: Where you can go broke saving money...
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the movies have taught me anything it's that sooner or later that car chase is gonna crash through a fruit stand.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Random Fact: Fish don't have penetration sex. They closest they ever get to sex is masturbation.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 10:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to Webster's dictionary, "Patriotism" is defined as loving a country. "Gay" is defined as one man loving another world leader who happens to be a man.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 11:31 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 11:43 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's so cold out... the guy at Super America has a towel on his head.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 11:45 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...
←Rate | 01-08-2018 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 17:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, I couldn't snap out of it...Then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards.
←Rate | 01-09-2018 01:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Be nice to overweight people. They have a lot on their plate.
←Rate | 01-09-2018 11:21 Comments (0)  

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