Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Dont Care if he's a werewolf, its snowing, and the least he could do is put on a f*cking shirt!

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   When your a standup comedian your not going to make everyone laugh. When your up there on stage half the audience should be laughing, and half the audience should be horrified.

   Wikipedia has its own wikipedia page. Can you say redundant? If you have to wikipedia wikipedia, you have no buisness being on wikipedia.

   Someone said I met Jim Beam last night but I don't recall.

   Loves the smell of gun powder, thank you Chinese people..

   i hear hell is hot this time of year..

   bail money, check, mankini, check, whipped cream, check, jelly wrestling for dummies guide book, check, stubbie holder, check, panadole, check......... Cairns here I come.

   dont you hate it when your frank stick sticks to your beans?

   Dr Smith sleeps with a patient and is tortured with guilt. In one ear, his conscience is saying, “You're a single man, don't worry.” The other is saying, “You're a vet.

   Lead us not into Temptation - Just tell us where it is!

   What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common? Their tiny balls sparkle.

   I'm proud of the fact that 87% of my day is just me making faces at my coworker while his back is turned.

   where there is a Will,there are 500 relatives!

   Break up is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken than hurting yourself trying to fix it.

   Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Thank you and good night, drive safely, I'll be here all week.

   JK Rowling proved that some children's books could be over 500 pages. Stephanie Meyers proved that some children's books shouldn't ever be written.

   Van Der Sloot is looking to get paid for media interviews. I'm confused. Why hasn't this guy been given a Peruvian death wedgie yet?

   According to Twilight, it cool to chase 17 year-old tail but only if you're 110 years old.

   When Bella's Aunt Flo comes to visit, does she have to double up on her feminine protection to keep Eddie from biting her?