Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the definition of a missed opportunity? Not introducing Michael Jackson to Justin bieber before he died.

   So how many other corpses did Prince Charming kiss before he finally woke Snow White from her death sleep?

   What is this world coming to?! Who names their little girl Justin? Mrs. Bieber you have some explaining to do!

   Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends

   Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'

   Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

   Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

   If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

   This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it's an educated one.

   Everybody starts out with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before the luck runs out.

   thinks there will be a lot of upset strippers tonight . . . Brazil lost

   2 fish swim into a concrete wall. 1 says to the other, "Dam!"

   Im 100% sure peter pan was an alcoholic

   You may be on Team Edward, however, I am on team Woden Stake, no hold still while I drive this through your heart

   I wonder if I mix rum with listerine if it will taste like a mojito?

   Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another.”

   BP executives said that Hurrican Alex rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed.

   Imagination is something that sits up with Dad and Mom the first time their teenager stays out late."

   Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young