Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has anybody ever enjoyed moving ever? I now hate our mattress.

   Type 'things I did last night' into google and hit the I'm feeling lucky button

   "When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it."

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.

   I tried saying no to vodka, but it was 40% stronger than me.

   Freedom's natal day is here.Fire the guns and shout for freedom,See the flag above unfurled!Hail the stars and stripes forever,Dearest flag in all the world

   Diamonds are a girls best friend. They last forever. Dogs are a mans best friend. They age faster than humans and lick their own ass! Any questions??

   Anyone fancy a 68??? It's like a 69 except you go down on me and I owe you one!!

   My washing machine excites me more than you will ever know !

   Apologies to the vegatarians, My food poops on your food,

   It was reported in the News recently that a former member of the KKK has volunteered to help clean and restore the Gulf. He vows to have the beaches white again in no time.

   without trust, there is suspicion; whenever your filled with suspicion everyone starts looking evil to you!!!!

   Music pumping!! a*s shaking!! Dirty dancing it feels like club making

   Couldnt get into the Maury show so I went to our local trailor park.

   my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts

   I drank too much and blew Chunks. Unfortunately, Chunks is my dog.

   Life sucks... Wife won't......

   I have kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it.

   There's plenty of room for all God's creatures... right next to the mashed potatoes.

   you know you were raised Catholic if... while watching Star Wars you hear "may the force be with you" and you respond "and also with you".