Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was talking to my friends Tom and Dave and they said " hey, do you know Doug has two a$$holes"? I said "What???" They said "It's true. Today we were walking with Doug and we heard somebody say 'Look, there's Doug.With those two a$$holes'"

   Dear At&t, can you please stopping dropping my phone calls. I know the iPhone is a great money maker for you, but you guys don't enough bandwidth to service your FLIPPIN handheld media devices plus my FLIPPIN PHONE CALLS... mmmmkkkay thanks

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.

   Anyone with a pool want to be my new best friend?

   They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.

   My new hobby is intentionally putting myself into awkward situations

   So Andy Murray is out of Wimbledon - he was said to look absolutely distraught. I'm so pleased he's cheered up a bit ......

   Must have finally caught "Beiber Fever", Every time I hear about this prick, I wanna puke...

   Nothing says your celebrating the birth of are Nation, like the smell of Gunpowder and Beer..

   patrick swayze sang she's like the wind. On the way to work this morning the wind blew me all over the road.... if only patricks song were more true.

   Nothing Says You Are Celebrating the Birth of Our Nation, Like Blowing Up a Small Part of It!!!

   For an added bonus the shake weight will squirt your face with water after a 15 minute workout.

   America has a whole day dedicated to a film starring Will Smith...

   I spent most of my money on whiskey.hot cars,fast women, and motorcycles....and the rest of it I just wasted.

   I'm pissed...I signed up on Facebook almost a year ago and have not received a single phone call.

   Has anybody ever enjoyed moving ever? I now hate our mattress.

   Type 'things I did last night' into google and hit the I'm feeling lucky button

   "When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it."

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.