Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   And on the 8th day, God made Cheez Its

   a bad relationship is like a broken mirror betta 2 throw it away instead of hurtin urself tryin 2 fix da pieces.

   if at first you don't succeed.... don't be surprised.

   setting up a mike's hard lemonade stand at the street corner. I dont ID! hurry and get 'em while they're cold!

   I still think soccer sucks as bad as ballet.

   just saw a sign on a church that read, "Don't give up. Moses was a basket case too." LOL!

   The reason you can't fool all of the people all of the time is because half of them are women.

   When your favorite song comes on and you excitedly say "Yo this is my jam!" You should know, I die a little bit inside for knowing you.

   My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."

   "Grandpa's ghost hovers all around the house. It's scary!" "He's not dead! And that's his Hoveround power chair!" "Well, he smells dead."

   The squirrels are mocking me by doing that spiral-run-up-a-tree thing. They know I wish I could do that and how stupid I look when I try.

   Suffering from male pattern drunkenness.

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression. WTF

   So what's the dating website for drunk, blonde, recent college graduates who do not want to find a job called?

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   Hearses are so depressing. I'd like my casket transported via segway.

   America: We blow sh*t up better than the rest of yous funny-talkin' countries.