Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you aim right you won't disrupt her sight. Eyes are not cup holders for that stuff

   Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

   Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

   me and time are drinking buddies. Whenever we get around each other we get absolutely wasted

   ˙˙˙ǝʇıɹ ʇou ƃuıɥʇǝɯos ʇnq ˙˙˙ssǝןǝɹıʍ snʇɐʇs sıɥ ƃuıʇɐpdn sı

   Had my accupuncture appointment earlier this afternoon, I discovered that I had to pee after about the 10th needle was put in me

   I think I found the solution for the global warming...we can send that guy that I now, who's responsible of 65% of gas emissions on earth, to space...and the problem will be solved.

   thinks this world is filled with mistakes and regrets, but it's all a lesson. Learn from it.

   wishes diets would be easier....like a burger diet or a pizza diet...best would be alcohol diet....man I would dedicate my life to following interesting diets like that....goes without saying I meant if those diets help you lose weight....wow....god is u

   more bored than plywood!

   Oprah needs to buy everyone hot-tubs!

   can wait for my high school reunion, he is going to be so mad I stole his girlfriend

   I am not the man they think I am back home

   its alot of birthday's today on facebook, maybe I should fake mines to feel more important

   Those that say majority rules have obviously not watched the NBA.

   So a team part of a red state wins the World Series? Interesting.

   When we first ment on a blind date my girlfriend wasn't that interested in me. Untill she saw me lick my eyebrows.

   What do yot get when you slip in water?............ A waterfall.

   We are all grown men and women! Let us start acting like it, and stop believing in pathetic conspiracy theories!!!

   After that beating and broken jaw, Colby's probably like, "He thill yo prethident."