Funny Status Messages

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   My fly's been down all day ... so I left some feces particles on the toilet seat to try to cheer him up.

   A belt may hold up your pants but belt loops hold up the belt, so who's the real hero??

   What do you call an Indian with no money? Brokeahontas.

   Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time. Can someone please explain why we let THAT happen?

   Some people would rather stay ignorant and self-satisfied.

   It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do. Never mind.

   If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.

   Casinos,steaks,universities,a brand of Vodka and now our country. Open your eyes people.

   I don't know why but I always end up making just a little bit too much spaghetti for myself to eat. Anyways, if anyone's hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   Putin has an amazing slap shot in the hockey game he played. Meaning you'll get slapped and then shot if you don't let him score.

   It's not always the one that got away that troubles me the most, as sometimes it's the one that won't go away.

   If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

   How sad it must be when people have no choice but to believe the nonsense that scientists have devoted their entire lives to deceiving you...

   A woman knocked on my door collecting for a feminist organization. So I gave her some Razors.

   Goo Goo Dolls are opening for Lady Gaga. Fans are sure to go Goo Goo Gaga over it.

   When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.

   Each and every time I hear someone say "Each and every..." I think, "How superfluous".

   If I were a cosmetic surgeon my slogan would be, "We can change your bottom line"