Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't hate me for being me, hate yourself for not being me!

   I've seen as many smart people today as Stevie Wonder has.

   There's a reason why the word semen falls smack dab in the middle of amusement!

   Before you send me any sick jokes about that murderer in the North East don't bother. It's not even rauolmoatly funny.

   Team Edward? Team Jacob? How about Team Dracula....you pussies!

   Feels like kicking butt today - take a number and get in line

   I am a good listener, just ask my TV.

   T- ake you to a place where true R- esonance is all you can feel A-nd hear, while N-egating that stress that C- aptures you, me ...and E- veryone

   You know it's gonna be a long day when you're at DD drive-thru, getting aggrevated that it's taking so long for some to take your order, only to realize that you're waiting in front of the trash barrel..

   that serial killer Raoul Moat has shot and killed 3 people now, One more kill and he'll get a care package, then we're really f**ked.

   does not care where LeBron is going

   you better like this status or I'll post a old picture of you and really get some laughs

   Expired milk in my fridge: Do I throw it out or wait until it's delicious cheese?

   Why was the spork necessary? Thoughts?

   Six different television shows about cake and not a single one about milk. I sense opportunity!

   May is National Procrastination Awareness Month.

   I am definitely not a morning person. Unfortunately, my daughter is....and she hates the taste of NyQuil.

   I always poop on a regular basis, so I'm not sure what this "Activia Challenge" is going to accomplish. It could unleash horrors the likes of which mankind has never witnessed. See you on the other side...

   Lindsay Lohan has taken to writing on her nails which can mean only one thing. She's hopeing to be Sarah Palin's running mate.

   You have enemies? Good, that means you stood up for something.