Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
←Rate | 12-27-2017 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.
←Rate | 12-27-2017 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women are like roads. The more curves they have the more dangerous they are.
←Rate | 12-27-2017 18:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How did cavemen meet women? They went clubbing.
←Rate | 12-27-2017 18:29 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Teenagers hanging out sober act like adults drunk.
←Rate | 12-28-2017 02:33 by Jergim Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many tweets does it take to get to the center of attention?
←Rate | 12-28-2017 03:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are no Walmart stores in Syria, only Targets.
←Rate | 12-28-2017 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What goes up must come down. Except maybe for crawling underwear.
←Rate | 12-28-2017 12:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My cooking is so good even my smoke alarm comments on it.
←Rate | 12-28-2017 23:57 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon "You the bomb" "No, you the bomb" - A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 01:49 by trickz100 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:39 Comments (3)  

   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm going back home to ponder why climate change isn't real because it's cold outside.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 16:54 by Mr.C Comments (2)  

   messageicon Be right back, I'm gonna go pet that dog. Me, drunk, about to get butted by a goat. 🐐
←Rate | 12-29-2017 19:28 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (1)  

   messageicon Was at a restaurant earlier and when I asked for the check the waitress said "Do you wanna box for your food?" and stunned as I was all I could say was "No ma'am, I'm against violence. Can I just pay with my card?" What is this world coming to?!
←Rate | 12-30-2017 05:04 Comments (7)  

   messageicon Caitlyn Jenner claims Bruce fondled her for over 50 years.
←Rate | 12-30-2017 07:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tomorrow is New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don't drink and drive and become the nut
←Rate | 12-30-2017 15:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You say Imagine Dragons, I say any other group than that
←Rate | 12-30-2017 18:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In the New Year, I resolve to be more resolute in making revolutionary resolutions.
←Rate | 12-30-2017 20:32 Comments (0)  

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