Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm so broke right now that American Express called me and said: "Leave home without it."
←Rate | 04-09-2019 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you ever feel Stupid just think;There are people out there who won't vaccinate their children,but pay for an anti virus for their computer. Let that sink in.
←Rate | 04-09-2019 19:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I get irritated when people ask me simple or even complex questions.. like you have a iPhone right there and you know the WiFi.. Google it! Ugghh I hate finals
←Rate | 04-09-2019 23:21 by Rhashad Comments (0)  


   messageicon When Robert E. Lee was in high school, was he voted as Most Likely to Secede?
←Rate | 04-10-2019 08:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Are Nicolas Cage movies terrible because he's in them? Or is Nicolas Cage in movies because they are terrible?
←Rate | 04-10-2019 16:49 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
←Rate | 04-10-2019 17:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Findings from meetings and conferences: "The only thing that often comes out of a meeting is the people who went in."
←Rate | 04-11-2019 10:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your belly button is just a mouth that you don't use anymore.
←Rate | 04-12-2019 13:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shoutout to the guy driving the BMW who gave me the finger after I honked at you. Your cell phone's on top of your car!
←Rate | 04-12-2019 21:53 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon As a kid I was always wearing shoes too big and didn’t know why until one day I remembered my childhood and my dad saying - walk a mile in mine.
←Rate | 04-14-2019 11:22 by Smeebert Comments (0)  


   messageicon One of the best days as a young adult is moving out on your own. One of the worst days is realizing a package of toilet paper cost $10...
←Rate | 04-14-2019 11:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Beer is now cheaper than gas. Don't drink and drive.
←Rate | 04-14-2019 20:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?
←Rate | 04-15-2019 11:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Okay, time to be productive!....or in other words log out of facebook. Which by the way is the secret to my success.
←Rate | 04-15-2019 22:12 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.
←Rate | 04-16-2019 08:41 Comments (0)  




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