Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   writing, "He owed me $50" in the funeral guest book wrong?

   I bought a pair of underwear today. In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’. In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

   When Luke Skywalker yells "Get to the walker now!" it has a whole new meaning.

   Going to the Guns 'n Roses concert tonight. I hope the noise doesn't give me cancer tonight.

   Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to the default factory settings...

   Never put all your eggs in one basket.....unless they're chocolate.....and it's my basket

   If I ever choke to death on gummy bears, can we just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that?

   If you care more about what others think about you than what you think about you, you're doing it wrong...

   It’s like no one is talking about how Game of Thrones fans are due for a world of hurt very soon

   Which essential oil should I put in my butt?

   A small town lawyer will go broke but 2 small town lawyers will both get rich...

   I once survived a bear attack with nothing but a knife. I stabbed my buddy in the leg and took off running...

   I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.

   a good feeling: to wake up in the morning and realizing you have 5 more hours to sleep.

   My underwear is so old, that my tighty whities are no longer tight or white.

   Make a decision; right or wrong. The roads are paved with squirrels that couldn't make up their minds.

   I've started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   Ah, yes...what lovely blouse shall I stain with food today?

   What if I told you everyone you know on social networking websites is me.

   Million dollar idea. A new line of make-up called Facebook Filters.