Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
←Rate | 12-13-2017 04:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait for Amazon's new Blackmail service, where you hush money for that thing Alexa overheard
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:34 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Getting Christmas gifts for my kids gets harder as they get older, mostly because I can't remember where I hid them.
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the key to good parenting a small boy is making him realize he doesn't have to shout because you are literally right next to him
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on my calculations, DIRECTV is gonna be short $4,294,619.62 next year with all these loyalty gifts they're giving away!
←Rate | 12-13-2017 14:16 by Scooter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently NPR and PBS are filled with sexual perverts. God, I hope Cookie Monster is not involved
←Rate | 12-13-2017 22:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your boyfriend remembers your eye colour after the first date, then you probably have small B**Bs
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:42 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need a Café Mocha Valium Latte.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?
←Rate | 12-14-2017 09:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What people need are Café Mocha Marijuana Latte's. . .
←Rate | 12-14-2017 09:27 by JAB Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does this mean we'll have to pay more to access webpages that were free?
←Rate | 12-14-2017 18:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before we start having any hope for the future of humanity, we should really look into how Women park Cars
←Rate | 12-15-2017 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My brother-in-law likes to brag how he always eats right, exercises, doesn't smoke or drink, sees his doctor every year for a checkup etc. I told him that someday he is going to look awful stupid lying in a hospital dying from nothing.
←Rate | 12-15-2017 08:56 Comments (0)  

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