Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 5782 of 5910

   messageicon Sometimes I think I'm the reason God found a need for Guardian Angels. You're welcome.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 08:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 12:40 by Barber Comments (0)  

   messageicon My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 15:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 15:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 18:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:31 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet it's really hard for people on Botox to give others a disapproving scowl.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon IoT warning: my refrigerator just whispered to me my life would be better if I switch to satellite TV
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The grocery store has 2 new aisles filled with "Halloween Candy" but it sure looks like the same candy they sell all year.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:46 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving
←Rate | 10-26-2017 23:07 Comments (2)  

   messageicon My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.
←Rate | 10-27-2017 05:40 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.
←Rate | 10-27-2017 12:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "You sir, are a lactose-intolerant person with bee allergies." -Useful insult in the Land of Milk & Honey
←Rate | 10-27-2017 12:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.
←Rate | 10-27-2017 15:08 by psycho Comments (0)  

   messageicon The problem with glitter is when you get it on you, you can't get it off. Ever. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.
←Rate | 10-27-2017 17:43 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left