Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   asked Alexa "why is my wife such a b!@#$" & Alexa replied "id rather not answer" ...these computers really are smart

   The difference between curry and a candle. A candle only burns at one end.

   Every time I play NBA2k, I’m deeply offended there are no short players with minimal basketball skills. How could I not be represented in a game that has nothing to do with my life?

   If you see me drinking "coffee" from a insulated tumbler in public, then you don't know me very well.

   So do we all have the same automatic spell checker? Or am I his only Facebook friend?

   The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   My wife said I can't have a flamethrower for Christmas.

   True love means never having to pick just one hole.

   Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I'm sporting a Mohawk!

   If you mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!

   if you like christmas so much why don't you merry it

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   My goal weight it to be able to breathe while tying my shoes.

   Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt

   This whole Santa should have no gender is crap. Here is how you know Santa is a man. He shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a Ho and leaves while you're asleep.

   Not every friend request as a friend request some are just a surveillance camera

   Looking back on all the crap I learned in school.... I’d say cursive writing is probably the least used skill ever taught.

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas. As if he wasn't going to see me 5 more times before then.

   Pictures of missing rich kids should go on the back of skimmed-milk!