Funny Status Messages

   realized that a dog is truly a mans best friend. Locked the dog and the wife in the car boot for 1hour. Guess who was happy to see me and who wasn't??

   People who say I am hard to shop for evidently don't know where to buy beer.

   made two batches of brownies at a friend's house, one plain and one special. accidentally brought the wrong batch home to my very mormon mother. she's laughing her ass off at george carlin right now

   There's a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

   1 in 5 people are Chinese. I wonder if my mom and dad know which one of my brothers it is?

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of lego pieces. I'm just wondering if I'm gonna sh*t a brick tomorrow..

   When going through airport customs and you are asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "why, what do you need?"

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.

   I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag

   I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.

   Being out of shape takes the pressure off at the gym. When that pretty girls winks in your direction, you can be sure it's the toned guy behind you.

   Wish you were here w/me n my room, on my bed, lights off, under my sheets. So that I can show you my new watch dat glows n da dark!

   no those pants don't make you look fat, it's your ass that makes you look fat.

   Do ducks play "me, me, goose"?

   I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme!

   I've never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an American Eagle once.

   $3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo.

   The more I think about the lack of thought I put into thinking makes me wonder what was I thinking.

   How many times do I have to roll my eyes to burn any calories?

   thanx to my ex GF,I now have to shave between eyebrows because "stupid me" let her wax there one nite for sh*ts and giggles