Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK. So Donald Duck never wore pants, but when he steps out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?

   Now, Jose won't take away the toilet scrubbing job away from me.

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   If change is good, exact change is even better.

   My favorite part about switching back to standard time is getting to relive the last hour of my life. A real live 'do-over'

   This economy has made me so poor, when I heard of the last supper, I thought I was running out of food stamps.

   . Was the rainbow that appeared over capitol building a sign of approval from above that the dem won the control of the house.

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   Waiter: What would you like? Me: I’ll have the Double Deep Fried McMeme Supreme with extra spicy cream.

   If you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came, then your probably a alcoholic.

   So after winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, this is unacceptable in bowling.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die."

   Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying

   Fellas; Someone you are unable to hang out with when you are broke is not your girlfriend. That’s a prostitute.

   I've just bought the personalized number plate baa baa. For my black jeep.

   Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.

   it just me, or is anyone else finding it difficult to log on to dyslexics.moc?

   Aggravation: Trying to get a vending machine to take a wrinkled dollar bill.

   Celebrate Thanksgiving by giving people the bird.

   If one despises losers, and one is a loser. Does that loser despise them self ?