Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - LMAOSHBCSOOMN: Laughing my ass off so hard beer came shooting out of my nose

   Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

   Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

   Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

   just woke up....looking for my totem now! :)

   Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit por

   gravity is every blnode's enemy

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but this gun in my purse will KILL you.

   My wife has me held captive by her love.. and these handcuffs. But don't call the cops, this is not a cry for help.

   Im not random...you just cant think as fast as me! :)

   I went Clubbing with my Inuit Friends from Canada tonight. Not what I expected. Poor seals!

   If breast/penis enlargment cream worked, wouldn't your hands get bigger?

   Lindsay Lohan is due to be released from jail after only 5 days. The other top story, on Wall Street drug and alcohol stocks soared.

   I'm thinking comic-con might be the place to look for Bin Laden this week. Easy to find 72 virgins there...

   I am not childish!! Stop calling me that you big doo doo head.

   <~ clicks on all the ads to the right on Facebook and marks them ALL offensive, no matter what they are advertising ! Ima rebel like that !

   My friend is having a baby so I went to birthing class with her, and woohoo! I now know how to wrap a doll in a burrito

   not fat, I'm just kidnap resistant.

   i used to think Facebook was made by a woman since it changed appearance and became more complicated so much, but now.. I am positive it is ran by a guy, after all the suggested poking of girls it wants me to do.

   You know you're lonely when your friends on Grand Theft Auto don't even answer the phone.