Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

   My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

   I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board

   I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.

   If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.

   They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts

   my girlfriend thinks I am in capable of being faithful my wife on the other hand.

   I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

   People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

   So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

   Yes I'll be leaving the jean jacket on during foreplay.

   Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright untill you hear them speak.

   Welcome to your 40's. You now yawn so hard, you shake.

   When the police shut down the town brothel. There was a sign that read, beat it, this brothel is closed.

   . A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.

   I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water